Warming Up To Change

I’ll admit it.  I haven’t blogged in months.  Yes, life got in the way…and then, well, fear got in the way.  This whole blogging thing feels pretty damned vulnerable.  As Marianne Williamson says in her wonderful book, A Return to Love, “We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?”  Yes, yes, and yes…if I do any of that, people won’t like me, right?  People will judge me, right?  Well yes, they might.  And that’s going to change my life how?

Williamson goes on…”Actually, who are you not to be?  You are a Child of God.  There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you…and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.”

When I’m feeling spiritually fit and connected, I believe that axiom…when I’m off center, those negative voices take over, and shut down all my creativity.  I convince myself that not upsetting people is more important than speaking my truth.  I know it doesn’t make sense, but it was a strong coping mechanism that helped me get by for years.  Unfortunately, my “old” brain – the part that is concerned about survival – still believes it.

That deep-seated fear – that nasty inner critic – creeps in time and time again and tells me that what I have to say just doesn’t matter.   Anxiety trumps spontaneity and creativity.

But that’s where the power of psychodrama can be so incredibly helpful…I can put that critic in the empty chair (yes, JL Moreno invented the empty chair) and tell him to Shut the F-ck Up!  That way, I have a fighting chance when he tries to sabotage me.  And he will try…over and over and over again.  But since he’s a part of me – that negative voice I carry around inside of me – I know every argument he’ll try to make.  And did I mention I was raised by a litigator and can argue the heck out of something?  Thank you, Dad.

As I embark upon a PhD (gulp), starting my first class today, I know that writing will be an integral part of the program, and so this blog will serve as my warm up to change.  New Year, New Attitude.  New Posting.  As the psychodrama’s triadic system teaches us…warm up, action, sharing…so here goes…

Oh, and I know that inner critic will be back at some point, but don’t worry…I’ve got his number.