“Screw You All”

This article is the next in a series on the Addicted Family System, and this time, we’re going to look at the role of the Scapegoat. 

The scapegoat child is the one who ends up in the principal’s office because they’re in trouble all the time. They’re the child whose teacher is reaching out to the parents because they’re failing: they’re cutting class, on probation or detention, they’re “acting out,” (which, by the way, is one of my least favorite expressions in the whole world. And not just for children, but for adults as well, Because when people “act out,” they’re having a trauma response of some kind.)

The scapegoat is the kid who’s going to get mixed up with a bad group of kids. They might start smoking early, using drugs, drinking, shoplifting, vandalizing property, et cetera. And at home, because they’re in so much trouble all the time and doing things like lying, stealing, missing curfew, they get grounded a lot.

And the truth is, if the parents are not involved enough because of addiction and enabling, then you’ve got a hero child running the household, which is described in a previously posted article – “I’ll Take Care of It.” The hero and scapegoat are going to be in high opposition, because the hero is trying to keep the family together, and take care of the other kids, because the parents have abdicated their responsibility.

And so the scapegoat is going to get furious at the hero. The two of them have been set up to get mad at each other, and they’re going to rebel against each other, creating even more discord in the family system.

The scapegoat could also possibly be setting a bad example for the other children in the family because they’re cutting classes, they’re getting bad grades, they’re talking back to people, et cetera. And so rather than getting the attention – positive attention – like the hero does by being perfect, and doing everything right, and taking care of everybody else, the scapegoat’s motto is basically, “Screw you all. I’m going to do what I want, and I don’t give an F about the rest of you.”

As the saying goes, bad attention is better than no attention, and the scapegoat child is desperately trying to get attention by “acting out” and misbehaving. But the truth is they’re responding to the neglect and abandonment that’s going on in the family system, just like all the other children.

What so many people don’t realize is that this child is sacrificing themselves to divert attention away from the chaos that is happening with the parents, as a result of addiction, and enabling. Their way of protecting the family is to become the “problem.” When things aren’t going well in the family, everybody inside and outside the family point a finger at the scapegoat, and they allow that responsibility to rest on their shoulders. 

They hear things like, “Your mother drinks because you’re always screwing up,” or “Your father raged at you because you got suspended from school again. What the hell is wrong with you?”

And yet, the scapegoat is not bad. They’re suffering in this family just as much as everybody else is. They can’t contain the anger, fear, and sadness they’re feeling, so they channel it into making trouble.

This kid is behaving the only way that they know how to get attention. They are an indication to the world that something is very wrong in this family. But unfortunately, people – including professionals, I might add – tend to focus on this child, rather than looking at the whole system, to better understand why this child is struggling the way they are.

The scapegoat is often the one who ends up in therapy or treatment when the truth is, the whole system is sick, and the scapegoat is just calling attention to it by being rebellious and getting into trouble. Through their actions, they’re trying to tell the world, “Hey, my family has a problem. Somebody do something!”

Shame vs. Guilt

This label of being the bad kid, which is a shame-based belief, as opposed to doing something bad, which is a guilt-based statement, can haunt them moving forward. If they’re saddled with that label of being the bad kid, how do they shake that? How do they change?” How do they make amends? How do they apologize for being “bad,” at their core, which is what shame says they are? Well, they can’t.

There’s no apologizing for shame. So this “bad kid” label follows them through grammar school, middle school, high school, and maybe even into college and their adult life. Because they’re likely not doing their homework, they’re also cutting class, and not getting good grades. So after a while, they stop trying.

That affects them not only in the short term, but the long term. If they struggle academically, it will make it harder for them to finish high school and get into a good college, or even pursue a craft or a trade. They buck at any kind of structure or discipline – and I don’t mean the punishment kind of discipline – I mean the necessary self-motivation or self-control that allows you to get things done, which we all need in our lives. We need discipline and support to finish homework or to do the dishes, to brush our teeth, do laundry, get out of bed in the morning, and go to school or go to work. 

Supporting the Scapegoat

Now, what this child really needs is positive, consistent, loving attention. They need to know that it’s okay to tell the truth to safe people, like a teacher or a guidance counselor, about what’s really happening in their home.

They need to be told that it’s okay to be angry about, and feel their anger about the neglect and the abandonment that they’re experiencing, because their parents are not showing up for them. It’s okay to acknowledge the fact that addiction has led to a really chaotic and sometimes really scary household. It’s okay to admit that sometimes, addiction also leads to violence, including between the scapegoat and the parents, which is scary.

This child needs a lot of love and support, and positive attention and feedback. They need structure, not severe discipline in the punishment variety, but structure, and they need encouragement. They need lots and lots of encouragement.

They need to be told on a regular basis that they’re not a bad kid: that they’ve done some things wrong, but they don’t have to be that bad kid to get attention, and that there are other ways to get it without getting into trouble. 

Now, as an aside, after teaching at UCLA in their addiction studies program for years, I came to realize that a lot of the time, people who had been scapegoats in their family of origin – who ended up in recovery or healing in some way – became really great counselors and therapists, because these are the folks who can spot the kid who’s in trouble, like they were. Former scapegoats are amazing at working with people who are in early recovery from addiction, particularly substances, because they know what it’s like to walk around angry all the time, and they know how to stay with the process of recovery to build a better life.

This kid, this scapegoat, deserves a better life, just like everyone else in the family system. And the scapegoat needs help just as much as they do too. 

An Invitation

So, my invitation for this article is to think about, were you the kid who sacrificed yourself to take all the blame so that people didn’t have to look at what was actually going on in your family system?

And are you still doing that, despite the loneliness and pain of it? And if you are, are you willing to seek out counseling or therapy, and/or attend Al-Anon or ACOA, which is Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families, or CODA meetings?

If you were the scapegoat, I hope you can seek out support to let go of that role, and move forward into the happy life that you deserve.

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About Jean:

Jean Campbell, LCSW, SEP, TTP, TEP has been bringing together groups of people to heal for over 31 years. She blends her extensive experience in psychodrama, sociometry, group psychotherapy, somatic healing and trauma resolution to offer training for helping professionals, personalized intensives, clinical consultation, and leadership workshops. You can find her at theactioninstitute.com, on Instagram at @actioninstitute, and on Facebook at @actioninstituteofcalifornia.