Why Women choose the bear

If you identify as female. I hope you feel doubled by this post, and if you identify as male, I hope you are willing to hear me out. 

I have been a hockey fan since the 1980s. I grew up on Long Island in New York when the Islanders won four Stanley Cups in a row. They almost won a fifth, which is still a source of pain to a certain brother of mine. I say that kind of jokingly, but not really. 

This year, I watched every single game the U.S. women team played. They went undefeated in 7 games, and they outscored their opponents for a total of 31 goals to 2. Let me repeat that. They scored 31 goals compared to all of their opponents combined only scoring only 2 goals against them! That’s unprecedented. 

And when they won the gold medal game against Canada – which is not an easy thing to do. I have mad respect for the Canadian women’s team! – they scored an overtime goal, and beat them 2 to 1. I was excited and proud. 

I also watched the men’s final on Sunday, and when they, too, beat the Canadians in overtime, I was again excited and proud. I was also incredibly moved when a couple of the players went up into the stands to get 2 of Johnny Goudreau’s children. He was a member of the team, and was killed last year by a drunk driver, along with his brother, while bike riding. It was a horrible tragedy, and to honor him in the team photo, they had his jersey, and 2 of his children. It was a beautiful sight, and I had such respect and admiration for them for doing that.

And all of that was dashed today, when a recording of the team in the locker room was released. They were on the phone with the man who currently occupies the oval office, and he was joking about having to invite the women’s hockey team to the State of the Union this coming Tuesday. He said, “I must tell you we’re going to have to bring the women’s team, you do know that,” because “I would probably be impeached if I didn’t invite them.” Did any of the men on that team say, “Hey, that’s not okay to disrespect the women’s team. That’s not okay to disrespect my teammate.”

Did any of them get up and walk out of the locker room in protest? No. 

They laughed with him. 

And over 36 hours later, none of them has posted anything on social media saying they’re not okay with what has happened. None of them has apologized. None of them has said that they won’t be going to the White House, in support of the women’s team. And the women’s team, by the way, has declined to attend. 

None of the men has issued a formal apology. There has been no formal apology from USA hockey, which by the way, is supposed to support both the men and the women’s teams. Nothing. Crickets. 

This is why women choose the bear 

If you don’t know what I mean by that, there was a man versus bear debate that went viral on social media about a year ago, asking women to choose whether they’d rather run into a bear in the woods or a man. Most women chose the bear, because bears are more predictable, and at least if they attacked you, it would likely be for self defense, not to sexually assault you. 

The men’s hockey team players had the chance to protect women from a man who has been convicted of sexual assault; a man who clearly has no respect for women. And those hockey players utterly failed. 

What you do in the privacy of the locker room is just as important as what you do on the ice. It’s called integrity, and not a single man on that team has shown an ounce of it. 

I’d rather call them boys – and I’m using that term on purpose – because a grown man with integrity would have stood up for those women. 

Boys, you owe the women of USA hockey an apology. You owe female hockey players all over the world, not just the U.S. team, an apology. The silver medalist Canadian team, the bronze medalist Swiss team, and every other women’s hockey team who participated in the Olympics. 

And, by the way, boys, here’s what real men do to support women athletes. 

Laila Edwards, a member of Team USA hockey, set multiple precedents at these games. She’s the first black woman on the U.S. Olympic hockey team. The 1st black woman to score a goal at the Olympics on the USA hockey team, and the 1st black woman on Team USA to win gold at the Olympics. 

She plays hockey on a collegiate level, so she’s not earning a lot of money right now. Her family – including her 91 year old grandmother – really wanted to go to Milan to watch her compete, but they couldn’t afford it, so they started a GoFundMe page. 

Travis and Jason Kelsey, both of whom have played professional football and know what it takes to reach that level of competition, contributed $10,000 to that GoFundMe, so her family could be there, which they were. 

Rapper Flavor Flav, who in 2024 established a 5 year sponsorship of the women’s Olympic water polo team, and is now sponsoring the women’s Olympic bobsled and skeleton team, has invited the women’s hockey team to a celebration that he would like to throw for them in Las Vegas. 

There have been many other men who have posted on social media in defense the women. That is how grown men with integrity show up to support women. 

And just as an aside, Jack Hughes, who scored the winning goal for the men’s team, earns a base salary of $85 million a year playing in the NHL. Somehow, I don’t think he had to worry about affording the airfare and hotel to bring his family with him. 

Disrespecting Their Mother

And by the way, Hughes’s mother was a collegiate hockey player and coach. She’s one of the people who taught him how to skate, and how to play hockey, and I hope she’s waiting on him to make a public statement, too, because he not only disrespected the women’s team – as did his brother who also played for the men’s team – he disrespected her. 

Unlike the men, the U.S. women’s hockey team members, don’t make huge bonuses and salaries. They’re not being paid millions of dollars. They’re working regular jobs. They’re raising children. They’re supporting themselves while seeking out endorsements and grants to be able to support their training. 

And then there’s the snowstorm in New York City, which may seem like a non sequitur, but hang in there with me for a moment. 

Having come from New York, I’ve lived through quite a few blizzards in my day. And when a storm like that would hit, I would love to go sledding or cross country skiing, or to walk around the park, and see some of the snow sculptures people had made out of snow.

And so, when I was browsing on social media today, looking at pictures of Central Park and other places in New York City, I came across a number of pictures of amazing snow sculptures. But two posts of, in particular, absolutely disgusted me. In one photo, there was an amazing snow sculpture of the Venus de Milo, which is an ancient Greek sculpture that was done around 100 B.C., of a naked woman. It’s basically the bust of the woman from the waist up.

This guy was standing behind that sculpture cupping the breasts from underneath. And then I saw a video of a man that was probably filmed by somebody in their apartment, and the man pulled out his phone to take a photo of himself with his hand cupping the the entire right breast of the snow sculpture. Even when women are made out of snow, they are assaulted and sexualized. 

This is yet another reason why women choose the bear. 

“Boys Will Be Boys” Is Bullshit!

And I don’t want to hear, “Oh, boys will be boys,” or “It’s just locker room talk.” Bullshit. “Boys will be boys” is an excuse for men to disrespect, and in many cases, sexualize women. 

I’ve never been in a locker room full of men getting drunk after winning a gold medal, but I’d like to think there’s at least one man in that locker room, a player or a coach or a trainer, for whom this is not sitting well. So I’d like to speak to him. If you don’t open your mouth and say something, you are complicit. 

These guys worked incredibly hard. To win a gold medal. But guess what, boys? I won’t remember you, and most of us won’t remember you, for winning the gold medal. We will remember you for this. You have tarnished your own victory. 

And frankly, unless USA hockey issues a formal apology, I am never watching men’s Olympic hockey again. And that’s coming from a long time hockey fan. 

There are minor penalties of 2 minutes in hockey, for things like tripping, and then there are major penalties of 5 minutes for more serious infractions. 

So I’d like to say to the NHL that any player on the Olympic team who is also playing in your league, should penalized for, and more than just for five minutes – for multiple games for what he did – or fined, or both. Enough is enough. 

And kudos to the women’s hockey team: First of all, for winning the gold. Well done! And also for declining the invitation to the White House. Frankly, rather than being respectful and saying, “Due to the timing and previously scheduled academic and professional commitments following the Games, the athletes are unable to participate. They were honored to be included and are grateful for the acknowledgment,” I wish you would come right out and say, “You’ve disrespected us, and we’re not going to play nice, and pretend you haven’t. We’re not interested in meeting with you. ”

I have tremendous admiration for this women’s team, and now that they’ve said no, I have even more of it.

An Invitation

If you identify as female: This example of misogyny and disrespect is quite blatant, but it’s so insidious in our culture, I’m going to invite you to think about, do you even notice it when things like that happen – especially when they’re in subtler forms? Do you even see it, or has it become normal – the slight, the microaggression? And when they do happen, do you speak up? And if you don’t, whose support can you get to start speaking up moving forward? 

If you identify as male: Do you even realize that you’re participating in things like these “jokes?” And if you are – and I don’t want to assume that everyone is – but if you are, are you speaking up about it in situations like this, to defend other people, especially women? I would urge you, if you’re not, to be an introspective about why. What are you afraid might happen if you do speak up? 

And if you’re just as outraged by this as I am, I invite you to say so. Post something on social media. Talk to your guy friends about it. That’s the only way this changes – if all of us speak up against these injustices and disrespect. 

I guarantee you, that even if it’s hard to do that, you’ll have a lot more respect for yourself if you do, and women like me will have a lot more respect for you, too.

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About Jean:

Jean Campbell, LCSW, SEP, TTP, TEP has been bringing together groups of people to heal for over 30 years. She blends her extensive experience in psychodrama, sociometry, group psychotherapy, somatic healing and trauma resolution to offer training for helping professionals, personalized intensives, clinical consultation, and trial preparation consultation. You can find her at theactioninstitute.com, on Instagram at @actioninstitute, and on Facebook at @actioninstituteofcalifornia.