Orient to pleasure

Given all that’s going on in the world, our nervous systems are activated, and with good reason. Many of us are have all the feels, and it can be particularly hard to settle and rest, especially when we’re being exposed to so many horrific things on a daily basis.

Our systems aren’t meant to know about – or experience – all of these things, especially not all at once. 

And yet part of how some people do feel safe is by knowing what’s going on in the world. This is especially true for people whose ancestors experienced some of the same traumatic things that are occurring right now.

Those people are hardwired to pay attention because of the threat of danger, but it’s really, really hard to come back to calmness when we’re so used to being on high alert all the time. 

So what now?

The first thing I know to do is to settle my own nervous system, or get as calm and grounded as possible. It’s the only way I can then show up for other people, and this idea keeps reminding me of what flight attendants tell us when they are doing the safety demonstration before takeoff: Put your mask on first. 

If I’m not breathing first, I’m of no use to anyone else

One way I have learned is settle my system is through a technique called orienting. It basically means just using your 5 senses to scan the physical space you’re currently in. 

There are two kinds of orienting: There’s exploratory orienting, and then there’s defensive orienting.

Exploratory orienting happens when things are relatively calm, and it just means I’m naturally taking in the space around me by noticing my surroundings. We do this multiple times a day, whether we are aware of it or not. We’re not looking for danger – we’re just using our awareness to notice. 

For example, as I sit here at my desk, with the windows open, I can hear birds singing outside. I just take a moment to notice that, as part of orienting to the world around me, and in the case of birds singing, it actually helps settle my system. 

I didn’t know this until recently, but it makes sense…part of why birds singing calms our nervous systems is that they only sing when things are safe (as opposed to being quiet when there is danger). So we end up feeling co-regulated by birds – that is, we’re borrowing their sense of safety to feel safe ourselves.

Defensive orienting, on the other hands, means I’m scanning for danger, because there is a threat – or a perceived threat – like the sound of a car backfiring, or smelling smoke. Something has triggered a response in me: A sound, a smell, a taste in my mouth, and I use my senses to identify the source of the threat to assess whether I need to shift into fight or flight.

Defensive orienting can keep us safe, but it’s also exhausting to operate in the world like that all the time. 

Social Engagement Is Our First Line Of Defense

One thing we typically do, again, without even realizing it, is that we look to other people in the space to see how they’re reacting. That often tells us whether our reaction is necessary, an overreaction, or if everything is okay. Here’s an example. 

When I first moved to California about 21 years ago, I was sitting in a meeting at work and we started to have an earthquake. Because I had lived in a non-earthquake zone most of my life, I didn’t have a lot of experience with them, so when I felt the ground start swaying, I perceived it as a threat. I immediately got scared and my eyes were searching for the exits.

But when I looked around at my team – all of whom had either been born here in Southern California, or who had lived here a long time – they were all carrying on in the meeting as though nothing was wrong. I said, “Shouldn’t we go outside, or go stand in the doorway?” They reassured me that it was a small earthquake, and that everything was fine. 

My Nervous System Immediately Calmed Down

They were used to earthquakes, and they knew that what we were experiencing was relatively mild, and nothing to worry about. So I “borrowed” their experience, and their reaction, to judge whether it was truly dangerous, and because it wasn’t to them, my system could shift out of defensive orienting to exploratory orienting pretty quickly.

That brings us to the idea of orienting to pleasure.

When I was in my first class of my beginning year of Somatic Experiencing® training the teacher would end each day with us by saying, “Orient to pleasure.” 

I had no idea what he was talking about at first, but then I realized that as human beings, especially if we come from a lineage of trauma, we view the world through a filter of danger for our very survival. We look for it, and we have to train our systemsto look for pleasure.

So I now, as a result of taking that class and being more aware, I consciously look for things in my environment that are pleasing to my eyes, like a hummingbird suspended in mid-air. I consciously smell things that are yummy like flowers, or the smell of coffee brewing. And I mean really take a moment and smell them. Or I touch things that are comfy, like a particular blanket, or the feel of my favorite sweatshirt against my skin.

That doesn’t take away the awareness that danger exists in the world, but what it does do is it offers balance to my system, so that it doesn’t have to be on high alert all the time. 

Savoring

So when I taste a yummy cup of tea, I savor it. I stay conscious in my body and I really take the moment to taste it. I don’t just swallow it: I really taste it. 

When I see something really beautiful like a sunset, I don’t just glance at it for a brief second and keep going, I pause and I really look at it. And I maybe even watch the sky for a few minutes, so I can savor the beauty of how the colors shifts as the sun sinks deeper and deeper into the horizon.

When I crawl into bed, when I have fresh sheets, I feel the crispness of the cotton underneath me, and I delight in it. Or if it’s a chilly night, I feel the snuggly warmth of my down comforter.

Now, I’m not suggesting that you live in a dream world, or that you stop paying attention to what’s going on in your family, or your community, or your world, but I am suggesting that if you orient to pleasure, and savor these positive experiences, there will be greater balance, and it will allow your body to shift out of constant defensive orienting, and down regulate into a greater sense of calm.

An Invitation

So the invitation for this post is to orient to something – a sight, a sound, a taste, a touch, a smell – something that brings you contentment, and really take a few minutes with it, to savor it. And as you go through your day or your week, make it a practice to let yourself start to orient to positive things, so it becomes easier for your body to settle, and actually enjoy your life.