The Power of safe touch

There are a lot of therapists out there who have been scared off from using touch in their work because they’re afraid they’re going to get sued, or they’re afraid a client will report them, and they’ll lose their license. And I understand those concerns. I do. 

And as somebody who has worked with trauma for over three decades – especially childhood trauma – I am here to tell you that I know the power and the therapeutic healing that can occur when safe touch is used in therapy or counseling. And the truth is, if a therapist or counselor isn’t using it, their clients are missing out.

The differences between safe touch and unsafe touch

Safe touch always includes consent, and it’s therapeutic. It means you won’t be touched without your permission, and it means that you have the right to say okay to it or not. It means you’ll be informed about where and how and why touch will be used.

So for example, in my work, if someone is dropping into sadness – or constricting their body so they don’t let themselves drop into sadness, I might say to them, “I’d like to put a hand in the middle of your back to support you.” Or “I’d like to hold your hand to support you.” 

This kind of touch allows for connection and building of safety, but the person always, always, always has the final say about what is okay, and what is not. In the therapy world, that’s what we call informed consent: you’re given information, and then give consent – or you don’t. And whatever you decide is always honored.

Unsafe touch, on the other hand, is done without consent, and is often forced on someone when they don’t want it. It also tends to feel icky. It’s any touch – and I do mean any touch – that results in someone feeling uncomfortable.

It’s one of the many reasons I’m so opposed to making children hug someone that they don’t want to. If a child refuses to hug someone, they are not giving consent, so don’t make them. Period. Even if the family member or friend that they don’t want to hug is unhappy about it, honor the child.

Experiencing Unsafe Touch

If you are experiencing unsafe touch, likely one of a couple of things is going to happen. You’ll either get a strong feeling in your body: Your heart rate might increase, you might start sweating, or you might feel nauseous suddenly. 

Or you will likely shut down or feel like you’re going away. This is especially true if you have a history of physical or sexual trauma, because that’s the brilliant response you learned to do to keep yourself safe – shut down. Whatever reaction your body has to touch, I really encourage you to trust it.

Don’t override it. Don’t pretend that it didn’t happen. Don’t try to appease somebody else or laugh it off. Trust it. And then if you can, ask for what you need or if necessary, demand it, especially if you feel like your space is being infringed upon. 

When Safe Touch Feels Uncomfortable 

For some people, safe touch may actually feel uncomfortable in the beginning because they’re so not used to it. This is particularly true for people who have had physical or sexual trauma. Touch feels really scary, and they often won’t let other people touch them, which I totally respect, because they’re afraid that it’s going to turn into unsafe touch. 

But for those of you who are wanting to – and ready to – have a shift in that area; who are wanting to experience safe touch, it may take quite a bit of time, with consent every single solitary time, for you to feel safe enough to allow any kind of physical contact.

It needs to be done at a pace that feels comfortable for you, and you need to have the right to refuse touch at any time. 

Affection and sex are two different things

Touch and sex are two different things, and I’ve worked with a lot of couples over the years who have that issue in their relationship.

In some couples, touch starts out as affection, and they’re both enjoying that connection, and then there are signals that are crossed where their partner thinks that that affection and touch means that they’re open to having sex. The person might be – or they might not be. That’s where consent becomes critical.

Couples need to learn how to work together to get very clear about what kind of touch is okay at any particular time, so there can be safety on both sides. If one member of the couple feels coerced into having sex – either because their partner isn’t honoring their “no” or they’re not honoring their own “no” – that can breed resentment, and disconnection in the relationship. 

The healing of safe touch

Whether you’ve had a lack of touch or the touch was unsafe, finally having safe touch can be an integral part of the healing journey. Many times over the years, I’ve worked with people who are doing big releases of grief or fear or anger, and having physical contact while they are doing that, especially if they were deprived of it when they were children, can be so healing. 

I’ve had more people than I can count cry on my shoulder, deeply cry in a way they never have allowed themselves to. And I don’t take for granted how much trust that requires. They often apologize to me for crying all over my shirt, but I’m so honored that they did. And I often joke with them that it’s an occupational hazard, and that’s why I wear cotton. 

An example of the power of safe touch from my own life happened back in 1995, when my mother was dying of cancer.

When I went to therapy each week with my own therapist, I was able to step out of the role of an adult for an hour, and drop into my own inner child – my little girl who was losing her Mommy. I would walk into my therapist’s office every Wednesday at 1 p.m. and mind you, this was a therapist I had been working with for years, and with whom I felt very safe, and would just put some pillows on the floor in one of the corners of her office, sit down on those pillows, and drop into my little girl.

Sometimes I didn’t even say hello because I had been adulting all week and was holding on by a thread. My therapist would come sit down on a pillow next to me, put her arms around me, and I would lean into her for 45 minutes and sob and sob.

Sometimes I would speak and sometimes there were no words. And she would just hold me. Sometimes we’d end up rocking and she’d stroke my hair the way a good mom would, and she’d say things like, “I know sweetheart, I know it’s so hard.” 

And that safe touch and comfort was exactly what I needed, because my heart was breaking, knowing that I was losing my mother, and what my little girl inside needed. 

And then towards the end of every session, she would gently give me a five-minute warning to let me know we’d be ending soon, which I had asked her to do. So I could take that five minutes to step out of the role of my little girl and step back into the role of an adult. 

I’d wipe my mascara-filled face, and thank her, and then I’d walk out of her office, down the hall to my own office, and I’d go back to work as a therapist. 

There were no words

There was nothing I could say that was going to save my mother, and there was nothing that my therapist could say that was going to take away the pain. The comfort of being held week after week after week, as my mother slowly slipped away, was the salve on the wound of my grief. And I honestly don’t know how I would have gotten through that time without her. 

Not every therapist is willing to use touch, and unless that therapist has had specific training in how, when and why to use touch, they shouldn’t be using it. But one thing I do know very strong about using touch as a therapist is that t requires me to keep doing my own work.

The only way that I’m going to be able and willing to hold space for people when they go to those kinds of depths, is to have mined my own pain and fear. And I know that my little kid inside is still deeply grateful that I worked with a therapist who could hold me not just emotionally and spiritually, but physically as well. It’s a level of healing that words just can’t touch. Pun intended. 

When have you experienced safe touch?

So the prompt for this week is to check inside and to think about when you’ve experienced safe touch and when you haven’t. And let yourself consider who you might want more touch from.

And that doesn’t have to be a human. It could be your dog or your cat or your horse. And consider if you have experienced unsafe touch in your life, is there a boundary you might need to set to help yourself feel safer?

You may never feel 100% safe if you have a strong history of trauma, but you can feel safer. And if you are a parent or taking care of young children, please, please, please, please honor their no when they don’t want touch.

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