Bad is stronger than good

For so many of us, myself included, when it’s quiet at night, when I’m crawling into bed, or drifting off to sleep, I start thinking about my day, and about what went wrong: what I didn’t do, or what I did do that I regret. I might chastise myself and say, “Damn it, I forgot to return Dan’s call today,” or, “I’m so far behind on that project. I was supposed to be done with it three days ago.” Or, “Oy! I wish I hadn’t said that to Wendy. I really put my foot in my mouth!”

Whatever it is, it’s so easy to go to the negative. There’s actually a fairly well known, and very comprehensive research review article called Bad is Stronger Than Good, by Roy Baummeister and his colleagues, that proves that we are biased towards negativity. We need a 3:1 ratio of positive thoughts and experiences to balance out all the negative thoughts and experiences we have.

And so I want to share with one one tools that I learned in a Positive Psychology certification training that I took 9 years ago, that I still use to this day. Contrary to what a lot of people think, by the way, Positive Psychology isn’t about being positive all the time, and pretending that everything in your life is perfect. What it is, however, is a practice of attuning to what is going well, to help balance out life’s challenges.

Shifting negative to positive

The exercise sounds really simple, but if you do it on a regular basis, it can start to change your perspective. 

Ready. Okay…here it is. 

Make a list every day of 3 or more things that you did well that day.

Maybe you composed a great cover letter, or you cooked an amazing meal. Maybe you went to the gym for the first time in weeks, or finally put up those shelves that you’ve been telling yourself you’re going to put up for months. Maybe you made a delicious cup of coffee, or mastered a cross-stitch, or swam an extra lap in your morning work out. Maybe you were so efficient, that you got out of the office in time to go to your kid’s ball game.

Whatever it is that you did well – and you’re the only one who gets to say what that is – not perfect, not finished, but well – or good enough. If it fits in one of those categories, put it on your list.

Somedays, when you’re really struggling, or what I like to call the days “I’m not fit for human consumption,” it’s important to keep it simple. For me, it’s things like I made my bed, or I did my dishes, or I worked on something for 15 minutes. It would so be easy to judge myself for not working on it for an hour, but there are some days, where 15 minutes just has to be good enough.

Or if you struggle with depression, for example, showering, or brushing your teeth can feel like a huge accomplishment. Because it is, so let yourself put it on your list.

not doing something is also an accomplishment

Sometimes, the thing I did well was to NOT do something: I didn’t respond to an email or a text because I got annoyed by it’s content, and responding right now would NOT be a good idea. Sometimes I don’t respond right away because I need to sort on how I want to say. Some days, what I did well is that I didn’t open my mouth when somebody said something that I vehemently disagreed with, because I know that no matter what I say, it’s going to get me nowhere. And for those of us who struggle with working too much (Hello, fellow small business owners!), the thing I did well was I blew off an afternoon, and went to the beach, because it was a beautiful day.

For some of you, maybe the thing you didn’t do is that you didn’t lose your cool when your child was having a pre-bedtime meltdown. Or rather than judging someone’s behavior, you gave them the benefit of the doubt, and you were kind, or you let someone cut in in traffic, even when you were running late.

I’d like to invite you to practice this for a few days and see what happens. Rather than ruminating on what you didn’t do, make a list of a at least 3 things you did well that day, and let yourself notice how it affects your mood.