Are You An HSP?

If I walk into a store, or a restaurant, and there’s music blaring, I turn right around and walk out.

People talking on cell phones on speaker in public? Crazy making.

I love nectarines, but I can’t eat peaches, because of the fuzz. It’s a texture thing.

I have been gifted some gorgeous sweaters over the years, but I can’t tolerate wool against my skin, so I can’t wear them.

I absolutely cannot watch violent movies or horror movies, because the visuals will haunt me.

Bright lights or strong smells can be overwhelming.

If you identify with any of these things, then like me, you might be a Highly Sensitive Person.

We’re referred to as too sensitive or weird. But the truth is, it’s just that our nervous systems are built differently. Sometimes it’s a real challenge being out in the world, because it wasn’t built for us.

Being an HSP – or a Highly Sensitive Person – can be particularly difficult for children because they don’t know how to manage all of the information that’s coming at them – flooding their system – and when they react, they’re labeled as “acting out.” What they have is typically referred to as sensory processing sensitivity – meaning their senses are more attuned – taste, smell, sound, touch, sight.

I only discovered that I am an HSP about 20 years ago, when I learned about the work of research psychologist, Dr. Elaine Aron. She wrote the definitive book, called The Highly Sensitive Person, and has written other great books like The Highly Sensitive Child. Taking the HSP quiz on her website – hsperson.com – gave me so much clarity, and self-compassion, and a sense of relief that I wasn’t alone. The truth is that Statistics say that we are about 15-20% of the population, so there are more of us than you think.

There’s often so much focus on the challenges of being an HSP, but there are many ways that it’s actually an advantage

When we listen to music, or go see a play, or go to an art museum, we are moved deeply by the arts.

We love intense conversations.

We’re incredibly creative.

We’re incredibly intuitive. We have an awareness of the people and things around us in ways that a lot of other people don’t even notice, and we tend to see them before other people do.

In my own world, being an HSP serves me well as a therapist.

Being an Highly Sensitive Person allows me to better understand, and notice, what others might be thinking or feeling. When I’m facilitating a session, I can actually feel it when somebody starts to go away, or dissociate. I can feel it when somebody starts having to have strong emotional response rising up in their nervous system, whether they’re showing it on the outside or not. I can feel it when people start to get really anxious, or angry, or sad. And I notice when things are different about somebody than they have been in the past, and that includes the good things that have changed.

I don’t say any of that to toot my own horn – I say it because I used to think there was something wrong with me, but I now see that despite it’s challenges sometimes, my high sensitivity is a great benefit.

I work with a lot of people who also are HSPs – and it’s no surprise that many of them became therapists and counselors.

How do you live in the world as an HSP?

One of the first important things to do is rather than fighting it, or judging yourself for being “too much” is to accept that this is a part of who you are. Does that mean that you have to sit alone in your house, in a bubble with no noise, no screens, no scents, etc? No, but it does mean that there may be certain environments where you need to plan ahead to take care of self, or sometimes make a decision that it’s not the right environment for you, and choose not to go.

Another thing, and I cannot stress how incredibly helpful this is, is to educate the people in your life about Highly Sensitive People, so they can understand it, and hopefully help rather than judging.

For example, I was sitting outside having lunch with a friend this weekend and somebody sat down at a table right near us, and within a couple of minutes, I was overwhelmed by the smell of the dryer sheet scent on her clothing. I turned to my friend and in a very quiet voice, said, “That chemical smell on her clothes is so overwhelming that I need to move.”

And a lot of people might have said, “Oh, I didn’t even notice it,” and would have just carried on, or had a hard time with me if I needed to move. But because this person happened to also be an HSP, she said, “Oh my gosh, me too, I thought it was just me.” And since we were already done with our lunch, she said, “Let’s just go.” 

She went on to tell me that it was such a relief to have it be no big deal that she needed to move, and I felt the exact same way. It already takes energy to work with my sensitivity on a daily basis, and to not have to be worried that someone I’m with will give me a hard time with it, removes a layer of effort.

Another thing that can be really helpful is to do research ahead of time, so you can plan, and prepare. For example, if I’m going to a loud concert, I wear ear plugs, so I can still hear the music, but not be overwhelmed by it. If I’m going to a play, or the movie theatre, I can read about the show or film beforehand, to find out if there are bright lights or strobe lights being used. 

I learned this one the hard way a few years ago. I went to see the show Six, and while everyone around me was laughing, and bopping to the music, and having a great time, I couldn’t wait to get out of the theater. The show has a lot – and I mean a lot – of intensely bright lights that from time to time, are projected out into the theatre, right in your eyes, and they use strobe lights a lot. If I had known that in advance, I wouldn’t have gone. Nowadays, movies and TV shows, concerts, and theatre productions are required to give an advisory in advance that they include strobe lights or flashing lights, so you can do your research in advance, and make a decision about whether or not you want to go.

Another great way to take care of yourself is you’re an HSP is by pendulating. When you go into a challenging environment, you can stay for short periods of time, and then take a break; then go back, and then take a break. There’s a big conference I go to every year, with over a thousand people, so when I go, I spend some time at the events, and then I go back to my hotel room and get quiet for a little while. That recharges me, so I can go back and spend time at events again. I repeat this pattern all weekend, so I can pace myself, and enjoy my time with people, while also taking care of myself.

By being able to prepare yourself and your body for the experience by having information in advance, it will allow you to make choices about how long you want to stay, who it it could be helpful to go with, and who would be supportive and understanding. Having options makes all the difference!

here’s an invitation…

If you know someone who is an HSP – a family member, your child or grandchild, a friend, or your partner or spouse – notice when you’re quick to judge them, or get annoyed with their sensitivity, and instead, give them some grace.

If you are a Highly Sensitive Person, notice when you judge yourself, or feel ashamed for being “too much.” Instead, let yourself practice self care – even if others have a hard time with it – and step more fully into your gifts, so you can cultivate and celebrate them.